#CancelWWENetwork

Royal Rumble was poor wasn’t it. But, was it as poor as the 2013 Survivor Series? No. Was it as bad as Wrestlemania 9? No. Did it make you want to rip your eyes out and feed them to a cat? Probably not.

The over reactions and near-suicidal tweets relating to the end of the Royal Rumble not only make a mockery of wrestling fans but of humanity in general. Hiding behind keyboards people are taking personal offence to Roman Reigns’ winning and deciding they ‘want out’. Trending Worldwide is #CancelWWENetwork, a rather self-aggrandising ‘movement’ that will only succeed in helping Raw score a better rating, making a failure of the whole thing.

These days of instant gratification have made people sour and egotistical. Everything must be done for them and if it isn’t they’ll ‘raise hell and leave’. Instead, it is important for people to realise that WWE is a massive picture and a continually evolving company. Like it or not Roman Reigns is going to be a big part of the future and the way to build him is to have him face the best, or in this case the Beast. The Philadelphia crowd reaction spoke for itself but last night presents an opportunity for Reigns to change his character and maybe even turn heel. He’ll also have the advantage of going against Paul Heyman in promos which can only be a positive.

Away from Reigns there were some terrible booking errors in allowing Bryan and Ziggler to have such little impact. Their cameos have left people frustrated but if they now enter feuds that allow them to flourish – Bryan and Rollins, Ziggler and Wyatt would work – then you’ll have some cracking action for ‘Mania and potentially four massive stars. Dean Ambrose seems to be flapping about with little to do so a run with Orton when he returns could be productive in helping him push on. Added into the mix will be Cena/Rusev which will take Rusev to the main event level.

WWE is in a difficult position with a lack of main event level talent. They need to work hard to develop what they have but, given time and the magical Wrestlemania season, they will succeed. So, as Take That said, have a little patience.

Is Brock Lesnar leaving WWE again?

On November 17 in Las Vegas, Nevada, Dana White, the president of the Ultimate Fighting Championship, is poised to mate a “huge” announcement (their words not mine). The speculation online is rife; has UFC finally been sanctioned to promote in New York? Is Canada’s favourite son, George St Pierre (sorry Bret), returning? Or, more depressingly for us WWE fans, is Brock Lesnar about to leave us again and re-enter the Octagon?

There have been a few clues pointing at a Brock Lesnar return. Retired heavyweight Shane Carwin and the might-as-well-be-retired Frank Mir have recently called out “The Beast” even though he hasn’t fought in the UFC since 2011. Are these just plays for these formally decent fighters to make headlines? Perhaps something more is happening behind the scenes and they’re looking for one final payday against the biggest draw in UFC pay-per-view history.

Another potential sign that Brock is tempted to jump ship is that in a recent interview, Dana White said he has been in contact with Brock Lesnar and that not only is he welcome back at any time, but he would love to see a fully fit, non-diverticulitis riddled Brock back in the octagon.

As this is a Wrestling website and doesn’t cover Mixed Martial Arts, I thought that we should look at the potential issues that the WWE could face.

First of all, does WWE want the general public knowing that their champion is going to disappear following his huge push? This happened 10 years ago, in 2004, and for months the fans didn’t care about any of his matches, thus leading to a disastrous bout with Bill Goldberg (who was also on his way out) at WrestleMania XX. WWE cannot let this happen again.

Brock and Bill, about to enjoy a ‘goodbye’ kiss.

Secondly, since his return, WWE has pushed Brock to the moon by having him end the Undertaker’s WrestleMania streak, convincingly defeat John Cena for the WWE title, and letting him be a part-time champ, which, up until this time, was unheard of. WWE knows that Brock Lesnar is box-office gold and if his contract ends in January (which is speculated) and he re-signs to the UFC, any plans for him to drop the title and put over someone like Roman Reigns or Daniel Bryan are scuppered. This would effectively mean that the last 18 months of strong booking for Brock would have been wasted, only for him to drop the belt back to John Cena at the Royal Rumble (assuming that Cena is still the number 1 contender and, as speculated, this is when Lesnar is scheduled to next defend his title).

A part of me would like to see Brock back in the UFC. Another theory that’s knocking around is that he might be working for both companies at the same time, but I can’t see that happening. Both Vince McMahon and Dana white have massive egos. They wouldn’t want to share their prized commodity.

The main reason I don’t see that happening is the potential of having a legitimate fighter losing in the UFC but beating everyone in WWE would make WWE look like a far weaker product. Everyone knows that pro wrestling, sorry, Sports Entertainment, is a work, but from the outside how would it look if on one channel, Brock is getting battered by Cain Valesquez and on another channel he is chucking John Cena around like a ragdoll. Vince wouldn’t let that happen.

Not only does Brock Lesnar guarantee high viewing numbers, he adds an air of authenticity and has an aura that is extremely tough to duplicate. His ‘big fight’ style matches with John Cena, Triple H, The Undertaker and CM Punk have been some of the most intense and entertaining bouts in recent years and it would be a huge loss not only to the WWE Universe, but the company as a whole if he were to leave.

 

All Right, So Two Belts Don’t Become One

So, after what I wrote last week about WWE potentially retiring the World Heavyweight Championship belt, it looks like it hasn’t after all. Which means three things:

1. John Cena giving the belt to Ric Flair on Raw two weeks ago was completely pointless and nonsensical.

2. Cena will continue to wear both belts like a scarf and look a right tit.

3. You can forget everything I said about WWE making the right decision. They’re idiots.

Two Belts Become One

This week on Raw, John Cena handed the World Heavyweight Championship title to Ric Flair –multiple-time holder of the original WCW version.

If WWE is indeed retiring the belt, it’s for the best. Since WWE supposedly unified its two biggest titles at last December, the lack of a new single strap has made me nervous (and not just because of the way John Cena has been wearing the two belts like a bling-tastic scarf – an effort to create yet another merch item and line the pockets of his children’s rap shorts, I assume).

WWE has proved time and again that it has commitment issues. Whenever the time seemed right to debut a brand new “one belt to rule them all” – the night after WrestleMania, for instance – I was disappointed to see the champ arrive still carrying both. It seemed like WWE wasn’t quite sold on the idea of one title. With two belts still in existence, WWE could split them at any time it wanted and renege on its most sensible title decision in years.

Having two separate championships is pointless. It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Call me old fashioned (and it’s true, I’ve never liked change – I’m the sort of old school purist who got his knickers in a twist when they changed the colour of the ropes from red, white, and blue) but the kayfabe and real-life goal for any wrestler is surely to be the very best – the absolute number one. I could accept two titles when the brand split was in full force (though I still think it was unnecessary).

When, in the last few years, the old WCW belt was seemingly relegated below the WWE title, all it did was devalue the other mid-card straps by proxy. As if the once all-important Intercontinental Championship hadn’t suffered enough. And let’s not even start on the US title – at this point in time they might as well have Sheamus come to the ring with a length of toilet roll, for all it’s worth.

The negative impact of having two titles was felt elsewhere, too – why would anyone trouble themselves with the hassle of winning the Royal Rumble when they could bag a title shot by just coming runner-up? As happened numerous times in the last ten years. What a way to suck all the drama out of the Rumble and WrestleMania main event, the most important angle of the year.

If WWE has ditched the World Heavyweight belt, it’s a sign that the company is committing the idea of one true champ. This is a very good thing – best, as they say, for business. We can all get back to how things were in the good old days, when champions were champions and referees wore little bowties. All they need to do is bring back the old eagle-winged belt and I’ll stop moaning completely.

Photo Credit: WWE

WWE Money In The Bank 2014 Review

Aah, The Money In The Bank Pay-Per-View. The one show a year were half the WWE roster almost kill themselves for your enjoyment…only for the internet to bitch over the fact that the wrong guy won. Tonight we won’t just get a new Money in the Bank briefcase holder, but also a new WWE World Heavyweight Champion, so there’s plenty to look forward to. So without further ado, let’s get this show on the road.

As per usual, another well produced WWE hype video opens the show with the tagline ‘Who will become the future?’. So of course we can assume that John Cena or Randy Orton will stand tall at the end of the night. The Boston crowd is hot and raring to go as we start out with the Tag Titles being on the line.

The Uso Brothers (Jimmy & Jey Uso) (c) Vs The Wyatt Family (Erick Rowan & Luke Harper), WWE World Tag Team Title Match

On paper not a bad way to start this show. I’ve been fairly impressed with The Usos ever since the WWE actually started to do more with them than just job them out every week, and The Wyatts are brilliant.

The Usos blasts out of the gate with some double team work, but a huge Dropkick from Luke Harper gives them the upper hand. They manage to isolate Jimmy, but he slips out of a Pumphandle Slam attempt and tags in his brother who manages to get a two count after some more quick double teaming. The Usos use their speed to retain momentum until Rowan manages to catch Jimmy on the top rope and push him down onto the barricade. We get the first Baron Von Raschke reference of the night (I expect a lot of those) as Rowan uses The Claw (THE CLAAAAAW) to toss Jimmy (or Jey…seriously, I can’t tell the difference) across the ring. Luke Harper plays his role to perfection and he isn’t a half bad wrestler as well. If they can find a natural way of breaking loose from the family, he could potentially have a decent singles career. Then again, he could get repackaged as Luke ‘Full of Funk’ Harper for all I know, so maybe they should hold off on that. Jimmy (?) finally gets the tag and SERIOUSLY dude! Chill with the spin kick/throat thrust combo! It’s the second or third time this evening! Anyway, Samoan Drop to first Harper and then Rowan results in both Wyatts ending up sitting in opposite corners. We know what time it is! Shades of Rikishi with the Running…Butt…Smash?…to Rowan and a Corkscrew Plancha to Harper from the top rope for a close 2 count. Two successive Superkicks to Harper gets another close 2 count, before Jimmy decides to fly onto Rowan outside of the ring as he has caught Jey (Michael Cole: USO CRAZY! – NO! BAD COLE!). The Wyatts almost capitalizes with a double team move on Jimmy, but Jey causes a distraction (by kicking Rowan in the face…my favourite kind of distraction, they never expect it) and Jimmy rolls up Harper for yet another close 2 count. Harper hits a Batista (Harper?) Bomb for a 2 count of his own, before wiping out both Usos on the outside with consecutive Suicide Dives. The Wyatts hit Jimmy and/or Jey with a Double Elevated Slam, but Jey and/or Jimmy breaks up the pin just in time. Rowan is caught on the top rope and hit with a Double Superplex and consecutive Top Rope Splashes from each Uso finally resulting in a 3 count.

A good match. The crowd was super into it which helped tremendously, but both teams put in a strong effort today.

Winners: The Uso Brothers

We get a look back at Seth Rollins turning on his Shield team-mates and Dean Ambrose jumping Rollins last Monday on Raw and threatening his way into the Money in the Bank Ladder Match. That’s followed up my an awesome Dean Ambrose promo where he debates on whether to grab the briefcase in the match tonight or use the ladder to smash in Rollins’ face. ‘Case or face, case or face’ HA! He finally settles on doing both before telling Rollins it was a mistake to ask his ‘daddy’ to put Ambrose in the match because after tonight, ‘daddy is going to be mad at you’. He’s incredibly good on the mic, and he’s got a promo style all of his own as well which really helps. I have a feeling he’ll be an even better heel, but he’s still my favourite of the three former Shield members.

Paige (c) Vs Naomi w/ Cameron, WWE Divas Title Match

The big story in this match is the tension between Naomi & Cameron as well as…you know…the Divas Title. This is highlighted throughout the encounter by Cameron looking displeased whenever Naomi is on the offensive, which she is for most of the opening. Paige & Naomi does exchange quick two counts before Naomi rolls Paige into a Seated Surfboard submission hold. Paige escapes and goes for a Superplex, but both women seem to lose their balance and tumble to the outside. If that was planned, it was one of the best planned fuck ups I’ve seen in a long time. They both beat the 10 count back into the ring, and Paige locks in a Stomp Puller which finally gets Cameron to crack a smile (INTRIGUE!). Naomi rallies back and gets some offence going including the Rear View (flying butt to the face) for a 2 count. Naomi goes for the Inverted Drop DDT that she beat Paige with on Main Event, but Paige counters it into a DDT variation of her own for the win, much to Cameron’s delight (EEEEEVIL!).

Not a bad match. The Divas division is starting to look a lot better, even if they completely killed any chance that Emma would have to get over by pairing her with the respectability vacuum that is Santino.

 

WINNER: Paige

We go to Renee Young who seems to have become the new (much, MUCH sexier) Josh Matthews as she hosts the Money in the Bank panel that consists of Booker T, Christian and Alex Riley. They talk about the pay-per-view (FILLER! FILLER! FILLER!) and afterwards we get a video with random statistics about the Money in the Bank Ladder Match (I DON’T CARE WHO THE FREAKING TALLEST COMPETITOR WAS!!! OH IT WAS BIG SHOW!? BIG FUCKING SURPRISE!). After what seems like years of completely pointless facts (I swear I thought I was gonna die of old age like Walter Donovan in The Last Crusade after he drinks from the wrong grail), Damien Sandow comes out dressed as Paul Revere…remember when he won Money in the Bank? That was fucking last year! I’m surprised his voice isn’t echoing from standing in that deep, deep hole he’s in at the moment.

Damien Sandow Vs Adam Rose

Sandow actually manages to get a fair bit of offence into the start of the match after he trips up Rose. Adam Rose finally looks to have gained the upper hand as he goes for the Bronco Buster but Sandow explodes out from the corner with a Clothesline to put a stop to it. He gets a two count from a Full Nelson Slam, but Adam Rose then manages to hit the Party Foul almost immediately afterwards for the three count.

Completely pointless match. Sandow deserves better, and while I’m not against Adam Rose, these short matches are already starting to become stale because he can’t destroy people like for instance Rusev can.

WINNER: Adam Rose

Bad News Barrett will NOT compete in the Money in the Bank match tonight after suffering a legit shoulder injury on Smackdown. It’s a shame since he’s finally starting to get over after floundering in the midcard for years, however he probably wouldn’t have won anyway so it could’ve been worse. We get some extremely stiff talking head promos from the remaining competitors in the match which basically can be summed up as everyone thinks they’re going to win…also Rob Van Dam is probably going to get high as fuck (by climbing a ladder of course…also drugs, lots and lots of drugs).

Money In The Bank Ladder Match: Seth Rollins Vs Rob Van Dam Vs Jack Swagger Vs Kofi Kingston Vs Dolph Ziggler Vs Dean Ambrose

Seth Rollins is seriously just a mask away from completing his gimp costume. These matches are usually crazy to cover, so I’m just going to cover the highlights.

• Kofi Kingston walks up a ladder that Jack Swagger is holding and hits a Flying Axe Handle on Rob Van Dam

• Dean Ambrose pushes Kofi Kingston off a ladder, but Kofi lands feet first on the top rope and uses the momentum to wipe out three men on the outside with a Plancha.

• Ambrose hitting Rollins with an Underhook Suplex onto a ladder propped in the corner

• RVD hitting Rolling Thunder on Rollins who was laying on a ladder in the corner

• Jack Swagger hitting RVD with a Powerbomb from the top of a big ladder, followed by Dean Ambrose Superplexing Seth Rollins off the same ladder

• Swagger pulling Ambrose off the ladder, only for Ambrose to catch him on the way down with a sweet looking DDT. However that resulted in a ‘dislocated shoulder’ which made the doctors/referees order him to the back.

• Kofi Kingston hitting Rollins with a Back Body Drop off the ladder onto another ladder wedged between the ladder and the ropes

• Dolph Ziggler absolutely destroying everyone before trying to climb the ladder. Swagger stops him with a Patriot Lock, but Ziggler climbs the ladder using only his arms. However despite managing to kick Swagger away, Rollins hits him with a chair.

It looks as though Rollins will manage to get the win, but Ambrose sprints from the back and absolutely obliterates him with a chair. Ambrose starts to climb on his own, but Kane’s music hits (*sigh*) and he comes out and hits Ambrose with a Chokeslam and a Tombstone before steadying the ladder for Rollins to climb and retrieve the briefcase. There’s always a plan B.

It wasn’t the best Money in the Bank match, but just like sex and pizza, there isn’t really such a thing as a bad Money in the Bank match either. It had some pretty brutal spots, and while nothing was insanely innovative – maybe with the exception of Kofi using the top rope as a springboard after getting knocked off the ladder – it was a perfectly serviceable match, and Rollins isn’t the worst choice for a winner.

WINNER: Seth Rollins

Triple H and Stephanie comes out and lifts Rollins’ arms in victory on the ramp as Ambrose looks like he wants to peel their skin off and make an Authority suit, but that’s just how he looks most of the time. Byron Saxton is in the back with Randy Orton who thinks he’s going to win tonight…you know…just so we’re clear. He says that Rollins seemed like he needed all the help he could get, but Orton won’t need any. Byron asks about Roman Reigns which Orton answers by staring him down. A Vickie Guerrero retrospective! This Tuesday on the WWE Network.

  

Rybaxel (Ryback & Curtis Axel) Vs The Dust..eses…(Goldust & Stardust)

I thought the Rhodes Brothers were fantastic last year, but at this point they should probably just go their separate ways. Cody Rhodes needs to be much, much higher up the card. That being said, he is very good in this new role as well. The Dust Brothers start off well, using their weirdness to their advantage until a blind tag from Axel allows him to cheap shot Goldust. Rybaxel isolates Goldust in their corner and…you know…do whatever the hell it is they do. Seriously, they are so bland that I per default completely zone out whenever they’re in the ring. Stardust comes in and uses his speed to clear the ring. Ryback goes for the Shell Shocked but Stardust counters it into a Cross Rhodes, but Curtis Axel manages to break up the pin. Curtis Axel then accidentally hits his partner and Stardust rolls Ryback up for the three count.

Seriously, Rybaxel are just the worst. They suck out all the fun out of all the matches they’re in, and even though The Dusts did their best, the match was pretty damn boring.

WINNERS: The Dust Bunnies

Curtis Axel attacks Stardust after the match, but The Dusts hit him with a Lifted DDT to put a stop to that. We get a recap over why Layla & Summer Rae are feuding…I would say that it’s a step in the right direction for the Divas division that they can have feuds outside of the Divas Title, but when it involves who gets the right to bang Fandango, I’m not so sure it’s that much better (not that Fandango isn’t brilliant, because he so is). Byron Saxton is standing by with special referee Fandango who has the sweetest sequined referee’s shirt on. The ladies come out and argues over who Fandango wants to bone more, and Fandango is looking torn as he obviously tries to figure out a way to turn this into a threesome.

Rusev and Lana comes out which of course prompts the crowd to burst into a fit of USA! USA! USA!. Lana of course puts down the US while Rusev says he’ll crush Big E…seriously, didn’t we have this match on Payback already?

Rusev w/Lana Vs Big E

Big E comes out like a house on fire, and just like a house on fire, he crashes and burns as he runs right into a big knee from everybody’s favourite faux-Russian Tazz look-a-like. Rusev dominates until he misses a big Splash and Big E hits a Belly-To-Belly Suplex. Now it’s Rusev’s turn to get mad and run right into his opponent’s trap as Big E catches him with an STO for a 2 count. Rusev goes for that big Jumping Side Kick but Big E holds onto the rope and then hits a massive Overhead Belly-To-Belly Suplex followed up by a massive Spear through the ropes sending both men to the floor. Back in the ring, Big E takes down the straps but Rusev suckers him in by going to the apron and then hits a massive kick to the side of his head. A big Jumping Side Kick and an Accolade locked in later and Big E has to tap out even though he hung in there for a while.

A surprisingly good and even match which I actually think will serve Rusev much better than the squash matches. The story was well told as both men found counters for the spots that they’ve used on each other in the past, and the crowd went along with it. Good job.

WINNER: Rusev

We get a little more from the panel before we get a look back at the kickoff show where Daniel Bryan came out to talk to the WWE Universe only to get interrupted by the amazing man that is Bo Dallas. Dallas told Bryan to Bo-lieve his way back to the top, while Bryan called him a Bo-ner and asked him to Bo-leave…harsh dude. We go backstage where the Bellas are catching up before Stephanie comes out and tries to throw Brie out. Brie talks about her new favourite video and we get a look back at Vickie Guerrero throwing Stephanie into the pit of mud. Stephanie gets security to escort Brie out.

Layla Vs Summer Rae, Special Referee: Fandango

And now for the match that we’ve all been waiting for. The two ladies of course play to Fandango to try and sway him into picking a favourite but he seems to call it down the middle. Summer Rae goes for a kiss on Fandango which Layla gets pissed about and locks in a Leg Lock of some sort while Fandango hilariously gyrates a little as he asks Summer if she gives up. Summer Rae does fight back a little but Layla hits her with a kick and it’s all over.

There were a few funny moments in the match, but it was also extremely short with barely any actual wrestling.

WINNER: Layla

Fandango makes out with Layla as Summer Rae cries. Odds are that Summer Rae is going to find out that she doesn’t need Fandango and overcome Layla in a re-match down the line…I for one cannot wait >_>.

John Cena Vs Randy Orton Vs Kane Vs Cesaro Vs Bray Wyatt Vs Alberto Del Rio Vs Roman Reigns Vs Sheamus, WWE World Heavyweight Title Ladder Match

Jesus, what the hell is Del Rio doing in this match. The Authority is out to ringside to observe the match up close and personal. Anyway, gonna recap this match in the same way as the previous, BULLET POINTS!

• Roman Reigns & Sheamus with a ladder standoff ending with Kane getting up in the middle of them, ending with him getting sandwiched.

• Kane helping Randy Orton climb the ladder until Roman Reigns pushes him off, busting Orton open the hard way.

• Sheamus & Cesaro hanging from the titles before crashing to the ring

• Orton hitting Sheamus with his DDT on the outside with Sheamus’ legs on a ladder propped up between the ring and the announcer’s table

• Roman Reigns hitting a spear through a ladder on Kane as he was setting it up

• Roman Reigns destroying everyone, including hitting Bray Wyatt with his Leg Drop Kick on the announcer’s table

• Cesaro pulling Sheamus down from the ladder straight into a European Uppercut

• Randy Orton pulling Cesaro down from the ladder straight into an AWESOME RKO

Kane Chokeslams Roman Reigns off the ladder and it looks like Orton might get it, but John Cena hits both Kane & Orton with an AA and yeah…guess who the new champion is. You guys know I was kidding at the beginning of this review right?

Another alright match, fewer good spots though, and with such a good opportunity to really go for it and push Cesaro, Wyatt or Reigns…they of course choose to just give it to Cena.

WINNER and NEW WWE World Heavyweight Champion: John Cena

That’s all she wrote on this pay-per-view, and I must say…it was okay. It wasn’t great, but it was perfectly passable. The problem was that nothing really stood out, even the two Money in the Bank matches felt flat. It could be that the winners had something to do with that. Rollins while a decent choice is of course a heel, and I think you will have to look far and wide for anyone to get excited about a John Cena title win these days. I don’t hate Cena as much as a lot of other people do, I think he’s a really good wrestler, but I have no interest in continuing to see him win the title in his current form. He needs a change of some sort, could be a heel turn, could be a tweak to his gimmick, ANYTHING. The other issue was the amount of filler, and lack of a marquee singles match. It was all just a bit bland and a bit unfocused. Of course some of that had to do with Daniel Bryan being unable to compete which again resulted in the title match not being part of a single, focused feud but instead a stew of small storyline strands that didn’t really manage to lift it.

Batista: The Animal Unleashed Review

Recently we saw the release of The Ultimate Warriror’s career retrospective (read our review here), a collection of matches featuring a man whom we all remember fondly and who sadly passed away all too soon. However, let’s not lie to ourselves, he was bloody awful. His matches stank to high heaven and he was, by all accounts, a bit of a knob. His tragic passing so soon after his re-emergence into the limelight will cement his legendary status, but the fact of the matter is he was a body builder who shook the ropes, favoured clotheslines and was far more successful than his talent ever warranted.

On a completely different note, Dave Bautista has a DVD coming out.

Like the Warrior’s, it’s a collection of duff encounters peppered with occasional highlights in which he is carried by some superior workers and made to look far better than you might expect.

The centerpiece of WWE’s (usually excellent) DVD releases would normally be the documentary; offering exclusive content and insight. Of course the matches are equally important, but a committed fan can normally find them kicking around YouTube (other unofficial sources of wrestling matches are available) therefore the documentary becomes the planet around which the matches and special features orbit.

What we get is 34 minutes of Dave huffing and puffing as he struggles to get in and out of his car, the area and his ring gear. Apart from occasional flashbacks to his foray into MMA and his back surgery, the doc follows The Animal around backstage on the night of his big win at the Royal Rumble 2014. Now, this should be a big selling point, for it was the night that the WWE Universe turned against Dave and Boo-Tista was born. It was the night in which the fans made their voices heard like never before, rejecting the hero they were given and calling for the one they wanted, a certain Mr Daniel Bryan. Had the piece focused on Dave’s reaction to being booed out of the building, this would have made for an interesting watch. Instead, he briefly mentions it, noticing the crowd were ‘hot for Daniel,’ but that’s about it.

There are talking heads in which he discusses how the internet wrestling community got on his back, how it hurt his feeling when they said he didn’t deserve the win, then the odd-faced-fellow claims that we’ve all forgotten about his past, his previous matches and the capital he carried as a performer. What he doesn’t seem to notice is that we DO remember, and that’s WHY we wanted Bryan instead of him. Batista was, at his very peak, average to a staggering degree. Had he returned to face Brock Lesnar or another big star in a mid-to-upper card feud, nobody would have minded. But to walk straight back into the main even at WrestleMania 30 clearly put a lot of people off and he seems blissfully unaware or completely dismissive of any legitimate criticism.

Apart from that, he seems nice enough. Self-critical and humble, but that does not make for a great watch and the whole documentary (all 34 minutes of it) is surprisingly boring.

The matches are what they are; a collection of passable bouts involving clothesline after clothesline after shoulder block. The first one featuring him (as Leviathan) vs a young Brock from their Ohio Valley Wrestling days is a curious piece if completely stagnant. Lots of tag matches featuring Booker T follow which should never have made any compilation, yet his big Mania matches with Thriple H and The Undertaker are notable by their absence.  He is occasionally elevated by superior talent, such as his clashes with CM Punk, Shawn Michaels and, yes indeed, John Cena. His hardcore battle with HBK is particularly good, but these are no reasons to fork out on what is a pretty duff collection.

It goes without saying that if you like Batista, you’ll enjoy this. If you don’t like him, of course you’ll avoid this like it was riddled with Jerry Lawler’s finger prints. If however, you’re on the fence about old Dave, believe me, this will only cement the notion that he is not worth your time. Like the Ultimate Warrior’s DVD, this archive accentuates how poor The Animal is. If you like him as a person and want to support him, go and see Guardians of the Galaxy, because that looks entertaining. This isn’t. Two thumbs down. Then a powerbomb.

Monday Night Raw: I Was There, Man

Last night I had the pleasure of attending Monday Night Raw at the O2, London, which as always was a bloody good time.

It started well when I stepped on the train. Wearing my Hulk Rules t-shirt in the hope that Hogan might make an appearance, I came face-to-face with a gang of eight-year olds wearing Rey Mysterio masks and garish John Cena clobber. They were obviously impressed by the sight of a man in his thirties, alone and wearing a child’s t-shirt. They whispered amongst themselves and pointed me out to their obviously unimpressed dad. I felt ridiculous and awesome all at once.

I made my way in to the arena just as Raw kicked off with Bray Wyatt. The crowd was hot for Wyatt and his promo was, as usual, top quality stuff. When Cena turned up for a quick Attitude Adjustment, the London mob booed his stupid denim pants off. There’s nothing like being in the midst of a fired up wrasslin’ crowd, especially one so viscous for Cena – though I often wonder if he’s crying inside a little bit. I imagine that sometimes Cena and Batista have a little cuddle backstage to reassure each other everything’s all right, while wondering why nobody likes them.

The action started proper with a Cesaro Vs Sheamus match. Cesaro was predictably over and Sheamus torn to shreds. WWE needs to rethink Sheamus. Whatever their plans are – if any – right now, it’s not working. He’s painfully bland. I honestly felt a bit embarrassed for him. And WWE booked him to lose. I’m really not sure what the point of the US title is anymore – or non-title matches for that matter. Call me old fashioned, but I’m of the belief that champions are meant to be the best-of-the-best, not lose on television every other week.

Super-MILF Stephanie McMahon cut a standard promo on Daniel Bryan. She wants him to surrender the WWE title to Kane. I actually think the best thing to do would be to strip him of the belt while he’s out and then make him win it back when he returns to action (though not from Kane). It would feed perfectly into his underdog-over-adversity storyline and this time, as the injury’s legit, it won’t stink of the shortsighted booking WWE saddled Bryan with between SummerSlam last year and the Royal Rumble.

A backstage promo with the Shield screened on the Titantron. I’m always amused by the concept of the Shield just hanging out in a little darkened corner somewhere out back, just being all moody and going on about they’re going to beat everyone up. It’s quite sweet really.

Seth Rollins later wrestled Batista in a very decent match-up that inevitably exploded into an Evolution Vs Shield brawl. God, the Shield are cool. The crowd was absolutely mad for them and popped with a mother-effer when Ambrose started chucking himself off the announce desk. Despite the topnotch action, I was most taken by how much the bearded Batista has started to resemble a young Uncle Albert from Only Fools & Horses.

WWE’s latest innovation to make the Intercontinental Championship interesting was a number one contender’s Beat The Clock challenge involving six wrestlers who, in my humble opinion, should be nowhere near the IC title, because they’re either too rubbish (Ryback), boring (Big E), past it (RVD), rubbish again (Mark Henry), or have already competed at the world title level (Dolph Ziggler and Aberto Del Rio) and simply serve as reminder of how many worthy, brilliant talents are left just wandering aimlessly through the WWE ranks.

Rob Van Dam won the challenge for a shot at hogging a spotlight that would be better off awarded to someone who hasn’t been doing the same four moves for 25 years. Mercifully, Wade Barrett walloped him round the ponytail to a MASSIVE pop.

Still, I mustn’t get on RVD’s case too much. Some fan outside the O2 was nearly shitting himself with joy because he’d seen RVD in the queue for the cash point, which made my night before I’d even got in there.

I must confess that I missed Paige’s appearance while I went for more beer. Shame, I’d like to have been there for her homecoming reaction.

Adam Rose turned up for a showdown with Zeb Colter and Jack Swagger. The crowd’s response to Rose and his sing-along theme music was insane (which carried over into a nearby pub after the show). It was easily the most over he’s been on TV so far. I hope this continues when he’s back in the States – it would be a massive shame for him to just become this year’s Fandango.

In the main event, Cena returned to take on Luke Harper. It was plenty of fun and the crowd was electric, thanks to mostly unanimous support for the Wyatts and hatred for Cena (rise above it John, and don’t let them see you crying – that’s exactly what they want). Most impressive was the Wyatts’ entrance. Live, it was a sight to behold – seriously atmospheric stuff.

When the show ended, I must confess I was still half-expecting the Hulkster to make an appearance and chase (all right, hobble) off the Wyatts as they beat down Cena. I was disappointed when the Shield arrived to make the save (which, in truth, is nothing to be disappointed with), and started to wonder why, if Hogan can find the time to appear on daytime guff Loose Women, he can’t show up and throw a few punches for a 31-year-old Hulkamaniac who’s been obediently saying his prayers, eating his vitamins, and doing his training for over two decades.

For the final dark segment, Wade Barrett returned for some easy pops. It’s no great surprise Barrett was over in his home country, but it was fantastic to see him finally breaking through after years of stop-start nonsense. Triple H appeared and took the usual bad teeth shots at the UK crowd (and bad hygiene too, which I didn’t even know was a thing – in all fairness, I did have to switch deodorants recently for body odour reasons, so he might have a point). Then Adam Rose arrived to do a little dance and call Trips a ‘lemon’, which went down an absolute storm with the fans. Finally, Barrett sent everyone home happy with a Bullhammer to Triple H’s ample hooter. All in all, it was quality stuff.

Jive Talkin’ About: Extreme Rules

 

At the risk of sounding like one of the dreaded Internet Wrestling Community (you know, those guys who use the net to engage with things they enjoy, the bastards), I have to do a quick moan about WWE here – Extreme Rules was bloody terrible.

Kicking things off was was the triple-threat match between Cesaro, Jack Swagger, and Rob Van Dam. Most of us were hoping for something a little dynamic for Cesaro in his post-WrestleMania push (and a little less confusion over whether we should cheer or boo him), but the real loser here is Jack Swagger, and not just because he was pinned with predictable haste.

Cesaro’s push is happening regardless, even if it is off to a mediocre start. Swagger would have benefited massively from a solid one-on-one feud with his ex-partner. With Rob Van Dam frog splashing his way into the spotlight for a rerun of his decades-old routine, Swagger played jobber and will likely be lost in the shuffle of underused mid-card workers. Say hello to Ziggler for us while you’re down there, Jack.

Next up, Rusev (or Alexander Rusev as he was known last week) annihilated R-Truth and Xavier Woods. What a waste of everyone’s time. If Rusev’s going be the unstoppable monster heel that WWE clearly wants him to be, he’ll need to challenge wrestlers with a bit more clout than these two, who have treated like absolute arse on television for months.

I sense a feud with John Cena in Rusev’s future, though following that, I also predict Rusev won’t go the distance in WWE. There’s a touch of Vladimir Kozlov and the Sultan about him – the kind of silent foreign menace that WWE loses interest in once his first major push comes to a grinding halt. The Ravishing Russian Lana, however, clearly has legs. Ahem.

Wade Barrett beat Big E for the “coveted” Intercontinental Championship (it hasn’t been coveted since about 1998, due to piss-poor, shotgun booking). The Bad News gimmick – which at first looked, well, crap – is definitely over, due to a rare case of WWE biding its time with the character, and Barrett has a renewed swagger about him. There was a shadow lingering over Barrett’s victory though: the fact we all remember his last three IC title reigns, each marred by numerous TV loses and rubbish feuds. Fingers crossed there’s not more bad news around the corner for Wade.

The Shield Vs Evolution was the show’s highlight, as expected. The match took a while to get fired up, and was nowhere close to the Shield’s blistering clash with the Wyatts at Elimination Chamber, but once it kicked off, it was pretty exciting stuff. It was good to see the battle spill into the crowd too. A staple during our beloved Attitude Era, it feels like ages since we were treated to a bit of arena-wide brawling. Rollins looked like the true star of the Shield once again – something he reminded us of with a 10-foot suicide dive onto Triple H and Randy Orton.

As good as it was, the match was a stark reminder that WWE doesn’t do extreme like it used to. That’s not a problem, mind you – PG-13’s just fine, as long as the creative and talent are top-notch – but perhaps it’s time to drop the ‘Extreme Rules’ moniker for something they can actually do justice.

The Bray Wyatt Vs John Cena cage match was predictably dull. Wyatt’s arguably the most exciting act in WWE right now, but he needs to work with someone more creative in-ring skills than Cena for a cage match, which can present huge limitations for the best of workers. Also, the whole concept was pointless – no one thought for a second that the cage would actually keep Luke and Erick from getting involved. The whole thing was a bit of a plodding mess and the end – in which an eight-year-old boy magicked himself out of nowhere to confuse Cena – demanded a bit too much suspension of disbelief, even for wrestling. But at least the feigned shock that fell over Michael Cole, JBL, and Jerry Lawler during the angle meant they stopped talking absolute shit for about 30 seconds.

Paige’s Divas title win following WrestleMania did spark a little interest in the division for me. And for the last few weeks I’ve even taken to watching the Divas matches, rather than justifiably fast forwarding them as I usually would. Needless to say, after Paige’s winning defence against Tamina, I’ll be back to skipping them. At least until AJ Lee comes back to reclaim her title.

Lastly, the Daniel Bryan Vs Kane title match was passable. It started poorly, got worse when they headed out to the back, and then utterly ludicrous when Bryan ferried the Big Red Monster back to the ring on a forklift. A giant diving headbutt saved things though, and the final few minutes were decent enough. Kane’s one of the most reliable big men ever, but he’s not the man Bryan should be feuding with out of the champ’s piping-hot WrestleMania build and victory. And though we’re all very happy Bryan’s bagged himself a saucy wife, the last thing he needs at the moment is to be saddled with her on-screen. I’m sure she’s very lovely in real life, but she couldn’t act her way out of a bag of thumbtacks (which I’d rather have seen at Extreme Rules than half the tosh that was booked, quite frankly).

Yes, it’s a moan about WWE – the kind that’s ten-a-penny amongst the IWC. But I won’t let Extreme Rules bring me down. Things are still looking up as far as I’m concerned. The talent roster is the most exciting and well-rounded it’s been in years and as the lead up to WrestleMania proved, creative can do the business when they want to. WWE will be building towards its SummerSlam programme in the upcoming weeks, so things will soon heat up (appropriately enough). Cesaro will pick up a top-line feud, the Shield Vs Evolution will get more intense, and Bray Wyatt has bright – or much darker – things ahead of him. Even Barrett might be in line for a top-tier push (which he’s perfectly equipped for), just as long as WWE doesn’t lose interest in him for the hundredth time.

And don’t you worry about Bryan. It might look like they’ve fumbled his title reign by pitting him against Kane, but that nonsense will be dead and buried within the month (with a Buried Alive match at Payback, if the rumours are true). We’ve put up with enough shite over the years, another four weeks isn’t going to make a difference is it?

Jive Talkin’ About: Monday Night Raw

After the most memorable WrestleMania week in years – during which I was so excited about WWE I even watched SmackDown – the comedown was inevitable.

Daniel Bryan was off on his honeymoon, which meant the man of the hour was missing from this week’s Raw, leaving it up to the Shield versus the rebooted Evolution angle to take centre stage. For the most part, they did a fine job, although the reveal that the Shield’s mystery opponents in the main event were in fact 11 of WWE’s mid-carders-for-life was a massive anticlimax. Fortunately, Triple H, Batsita and Randy Orton turned up at last orders to save it from mediocrity (and Tripper even used the word ‘Evolution’, just in case we hadn’t noticed who they were).

Elsewhere this week, the prospect of a Daniel Bryan Vs Kane is hardly setting the world of sports entertainment alight. By now, over six months after Bryan began battling the Authority, it’s been done – and on the back of Bryan’s phenomenal win at ‘Mania, I’d have hoped for something a little more dynamic for the new world champ. Oh, hang on – Kane will be wearing his mask again. I take it back.

John Cena was up to his old tricks, too. While Bray Wyatt cut another star-making, super-intense promo – the kind that makes him one of the most unique and magnetic young workers around – Cena interrupted and showed us some pictures of a woman with Wyatt’s head photoshopped on. Let’s just be grateful he didn’t dump a load of doo-doo on them from the ceiling, as he has done before (Cena somehow has access to a never ending supply of shit – in so many facets of his performance). It’s amazing that a man of Cena’s stature in WWE lets creative get away with this nonsense. He clearly doesn’t have any idea how bad some of his promo material is – a shame, because he can be pretty damn good when he’s not acting like a completely clueless berk. Someone really needs to smarten him up.

The big story, of course, was that the show was a tribute to the Ultimate Warrior. It’s a shame that Nelson Frazier (of Mabel/Viscera/Big Daddy V fame) didn’t manage to get a Hall Of Fame nod (or feature in an extremely lucrative DVD collection) after 15 years of service to WWE. If he had, perhaps he would have got at least a mention on Raw when he died a few months back.

There was some logical booking with the Intercontinental Championship number one contender’s tournament (a mouthful for any announcer). Big E watched with interest from the back (by the way, if I’m ever a champion, I’ll also insist in watching all television while stood up and frowning, with my title belt over the shoulder – it will probably get uncomfortable after a few minutes, but I’ll look the part). The tournament is a perfect idea for getting some of the mid-card guys over, and is most likely designed to elevate the reinvigorated Cesaro and Wade Barrett. My pick to go all the way and win the IC title is Cesaro. WWE have to be careful though – at the moment they’re clearly obsessed with how strong Cesaro is, so are feeding him lumbering dullards like Big Show and Mark Henry just so he can pick them up and show off his muscles. It looks impressive but these opponents are hardly ideal candidates for him to show off his proper wrestling skills. I’ve heard they’re booking him to take on Yokozuna’s corpse next week. That could just be a rumour, though.

Wrestlemania 30: The Jive Soul Bros Diary

Sunday evening the Jive Soul Bros sat down to sample the majesty and pageantry of WrestleMania XXX (that means 30, not hardcore super-sex, you filthy buggers). What follows is a factual account of how it all went down.

8.20pm

The Jive Soul Bros get together. Beer in the fridge, crisps on the table in anticipation for the big show.

8.27pm

Crisps eaten.

8:30pm

As a pre-WrestleMania treat we log into the WWE Network a for the previous evening’s Hall Of Fame ceremony.

Watching the Hall Of Fame is always a risky business, as you are committing a lot of time to people blowing their own trumpets (oo-er). This year’s ceremony is no different, as Ultimate Warrior and, disappointingly, Lita waffle on about themselves for bloody ages. On the flip-side ,Paul Bearer’s sons said about four words and Carlos Colon showed off his wonderfully bladed forehead (which, much like Dusty Rhodes’ head, has started to look like a saggy old bollock).

It’s left for two residents of DDP’s ‘Accountability Crib’, Scott Hall (inducted as Razor Ramon) and Jake Roberts, to class the joint up. Roberts’ speech is particularly heartfelt after a magnificent introduction from Diamond Dallas Page. He even manages to go ten minutes without mentioning DDP Yoga.

The less said about Mr. T and his incessant mother chat the better. He really does love his mum, though.

 

10:20pm

Bit bored of the Hall Of Fame we head to the kitchen jus as Kane interrupts Mr. T, which was both mean and awkward. One of the JSB crew has cooked a joint of ham, which disappears quicker than a Dolph Ziggler push.

10.45pm

Someone checks Twitter and announces Cesaro’s gone babyface on the pre-show. We’re now even more annoyed the tag team four-way was pulled from the main card.

11:50pm

Ten minutes away from ‘Mania and the excitement has built to such a fever we start cracking out our favourite wrestling shirts, with Austin, Sheamus, and a couple of WrestleMania 25 jerseys on show. We settle down to watch ten minutes of the pay-per-view screenshot.

11:52pm

Tired of the screenshot we pop off to the fridge for a beer and eat a few nachos. They had guacamole, salsa, sour cream, cheese and a two-meat chilli on them. If you’re interested.

12:00pm or is it am?

Shenanigans kick off in the most beautiful way as Hulk ‘did I mention the WWE Network yet’ Hogan makes his way to the ring and immediately knobs up by calling the Superdome the Silverdome. Michael Cole picks up on it and asks if Hogan thinks he’s still at Wrestlemania III. He isn’t – the crowd were far more into him back then.

As Hogan waffles on there’s a lovely smash of glass and “It’s Austin, it’s Austin, it’s Austin!!!!” The Rattlesnake makes his way to the ring to the kind of ovation usually reserved for Zack Ryder and immediately begins making fun of Hogan for his Silverdome mistake. Austin whips the crowd into a frenzy and just when they can’t take anymore The Rock’s music hits and 75,167 collectively ruin themselves and ask “Can it get any better?” And it bloody well does, as a clearly emotional Rock continues the take the piss out of Hogan by mentioning the Silverdome cock-up again.

The segment ends with a beery toast and we’re about done before it’s even started.

12:20am

Bryan vs. HHH 6-7 video package and build-up. Thunderous ovation for Bryan. For some reason, Triple H is dressed as the ghetto-fabulous Skeletor from the Masters Of The Universe movie.

12.45am

One of the Jive Soul Bros has already had too much beer, and has started claiming “Nothing’s been the same since they brought in a fifth pay-per-view.”

1:01am

Despite genuine concern that Triple H’s ego is perfectly of walking out of ‘Mania as champ, he does the right thing and puts Bryan over in a phenomenal moment. We’ve already had the match of the night, but it’s far from over – we’re starting to get the idea this is going to be a brilliant WrestleMania.

1.08am

Time for The Shield Vs Kane and the New Age Outlaws. We suspect the previous segments have overrun, because they tear through this so quickly it’s like they have to rush off somewhere afterwards (the buffet cart presumably, from the look Mr Ass’s, erm ass).

1.12am

They wheel out the old legends for the annual backstage skit. We’re especially pleased to see an appearance from Danny Davis, though we’re probably one of ten or so people who actually remembered him.

1.15am

The battle royal entrants are in the ring. No one in the room cares, because, let’s be honest, battle royals usually suck giant Andre balls. We are pleased no see Cesaro’s made his way into the match, however.

1.23am

We’re down the the final six men and this is actually getting pretty damn good. Cesaro looks awesome and there are plenty of big spots (including Kofi’s most dangerous but brilliant escape from elimination yet).

1.28am

Cesaro lifts Big Show up for what feels like bloody ages and dumps him outside. It’s one of this ‘Mania’s greatest moments, though we’re disappointed he didn’t swing Show round 20 times then launch him out of the ring that way. Cesaro and Show shakes hands. It’s enough to make a grown man cry. Especially if that man is drunk and emotional because, “Nothing’s been the same since referees stopped wearing blue shirts with bow-ties.”

1.35am

Bray Wyatt makes his entrance. Arguably, it’s the best live ‘Mania intro yet. But then I say that every time a band turns up and I realise that, mercifully, it’s not Kid fucking Rock.

1.51am

Wyatt does that Exorcist spider-walk thing as Cena goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle. It’s the high point of what is overall a very decent encounter, even if the finish was slightly rushed. Musn’t grumble though, as Wyatt looked a million dollars, spurred on, we imagine, by the bloke in the crowd dressed as IRS.

2.28am

Brock Lesnar Vs Undertaker kicks-off. Our attention begins to wane slightly. Someone is saying, “Thing is, I know it will be solid, but we already know the outcome, Lesnar’s lost to almost everybody in the last two years, and I can imagine exactly how the match will play out. It’s hardly going to make history.”

2.53am

We almost miss the count of three because we’re all checking Twitter. The room is completely stunned, which we demonstrate my sitting forward and holding our heads in overly-dramatic fashion.

2.54am

A man does a face.

2.56am

Still in shock, someone says, “I can’t believe they ended the streak on such a piss-poor match, and wasted it on a part-timer with a history of walking away from the company.” Someone else replies, “Oh, shut up you old fart. It was clearly time… ‘Taker has started to look like a middle-aged, Guardian reading lesbian.” The debate ends with the words, “Nothing’s been the same since he stopped wearing grey stirrups, anyway.” This is suddenly on track to being the biggest and most significant WrestleMania for years.

3.04am

The Divas Invitational gets going, which prompts everyone to take a toilet break.

3.10am

We all return from the toilet to discover AJ has turned this nonsense into the strongest Divas match at WrestleMania since Trish Stratus hung up her boots. Which isn’t saying much, mind you.

3.12am

Backstage skit involving the main event players from the first ever ‘Manis – Hogan, Piper, Orndorf and Mr T. Everyone’s so distracted by the size of Orndorf’s moustache to notice how embarrassingly bad this is.

3.20am

It’s time for the main event. Now, more than ever, we’re convinced Bryan will win it. We’re in high spirits, and even comments like “Nothing’s been the same since they stopped having red, white and blue ropes” can’t sully the atmosphere.

3.35am

Triple H and Steph make their return to the action. Christ, they’re good heels when they’re not just waffling endless bollocks and boring everyone to death. They bring out crooked ref Scott Armstrong, though someone has to explain the significance as it’s been bloody months since the rubbish ‘fast count’ angle and most of us have forgotten.

3.36am

Triple H cops a rubber sledgehammer to the mush. We comment on how amazing it is to see him properly get foiled after months of never booking his comeuppance. Then someone says “He’ll probably end up winning the title on Raw”, which unfortunately sounds quite realistic.

3.40am

Bryan takes a brutal-looking neckbreaker/RKO/Batista Bomb to the Spanish announce table. The poor buggers. We were sure when the French announcers turned up it meant the Spanish would get a night off.

3.44am

Bryan gets off the stretcher. I nearly shit myself with joy, but manage to keep a lid on it.

3.47am

Batista takes an RKO and kicks out as close to three as possible. Masterful work from the Animal and for a second, we believe that WWE will screw Bryan – and all of us – after all. On the contrary, it’s the beginning of a blistering finishing sequence.

3.50am

Batista taps to the Yes Lock and it’s over. Celebrations are being had all round.

3.52am

To cap off what has been one of the worst directed PPVs in memory (someone in the production suite is ripe for one of Vinnie Mac’s customary firings), they can’t find a clear iconic shot of Bryan with the belts, because there are either signs in the way, or because someone’s bought too much confetti.

4.05am

It’s been off-air for a few minutes and we’re still weighing it up. It’s tough to be objective this soon after the event, but we’re rating it as one of the top ‘Manias ever, just below X-Seven – it had drama, surprises, quality action and a proper story. It’s entirely possible we’ve been caught in the moment – not to mention a crate of beer and enough crisps to feed a small family for a week – but either way, WrestleMania XXX is a reminder that WWE occasionally gives us reason to do more than bitch and moan about it on the internet.

Long live the Yes Movement.