#CancelWWENetwork

Royal Rumble was poor wasn’t it. But, was it as poor as the 2013 Survivor Series? No. Was it as bad as Wrestlemania 9? No. Did it make you want to rip your eyes out and feed them to a cat? Probably not.

The over reactions and near-suicidal tweets relating to the end of the Royal Rumble not only make a mockery of wrestling fans but of humanity in general. Hiding behind keyboards people are taking personal offence to Roman Reigns’ winning and deciding they ‘want out’. Trending Worldwide is #CancelWWENetwork, a rather self-aggrandising ‘movement’ that will only succeed in helping Raw score a better rating, making a failure of the whole thing.

These days of instant gratification have made people sour and egotistical. Everything must be done for them and if it isn’t they’ll ‘raise hell and leave’. Instead, it is important for people to realise that WWE is a massive picture and a continually evolving company. Like it or not Roman Reigns is going to be a big part of the future and the way to build him is to have him face the best, or in this case the Beast. The Philadelphia crowd reaction spoke for itself but last night presents an opportunity for Reigns to change his character and maybe even turn heel. He’ll also have the advantage of going against Paul Heyman in promos which can only be a positive.

Away from Reigns there were some terrible booking errors in allowing Bryan and Ziggler to have such little impact. Their cameos have left people frustrated but if they now enter feuds that allow them to flourish – Bryan and Rollins, Ziggler and Wyatt would work – then you’ll have some cracking action for ‘Mania and potentially four massive stars. Dean Ambrose seems to be flapping about with little to do so a run with Orton when he returns could be productive in helping him push on. Added into the mix will be Cena/Rusev which will take Rusev to the main event level.

WWE is in a difficult position with a lack of main event level talent. They need to work hard to develop what they have but, given time and the magical Wrestlemania season, they will succeed. So, as Take That said, have a little patience.

Is Brock Lesnar leaving WWE again?

On November 17 in Las Vegas, Nevada, Dana White, the president of the Ultimate Fighting Championship, is poised to mate a “huge” announcement (their words not mine). The speculation online is rife; has UFC finally been sanctioned to promote in New York? Is Canada’s favourite son, George St Pierre (sorry Bret), returning? Or, more depressingly for us WWE fans, is Brock Lesnar about to leave us again and re-enter the Octagon?

There have been a few clues pointing at a Brock Lesnar return. Retired heavyweight Shane Carwin and the might-as-well-be-retired Frank Mir have recently called out “The Beast” even though he hasn’t fought in the UFC since 2011. Are these just plays for these formally decent fighters to make headlines? Perhaps something more is happening behind the scenes and they’re looking for one final payday against the biggest draw in UFC pay-per-view history.

Another potential sign that Brock is tempted to jump ship is that in a recent interview, Dana White said he has been in contact with Brock Lesnar and that not only is he welcome back at any time, but he would love to see a fully fit, non-diverticulitis riddled Brock back in the octagon.

As this is a Wrestling website and doesn’t cover Mixed Martial Arts, I thought that we should look at the potential issues that the WWE could face.

First of all, does WWE want the general public knowing that their champion is going to disappear following his huge push? This happened 10 years ago, in 2004, and for months the fans didn’t care about any of his matches, thus leading to a disastrous bout with Bill Goldberg (who was also on his way out) at WrestleMania XX. WWE cannot let this happen again.

Brock and Bill, about to enjoy a ‘goodbye’ kiss.

Secondly, since his return, WWE has pushed Brock to the moon by having him end the Undertaker’s WrestleMania streak, convincingly defeat John Cena for the WWE title, and letting him be a part-time champ, which, up until this time, was unheard of. WWE knows that Brock Lesnar is box-office gold and if his contract ends in January (which is speculated) and he re-signs to the UFC, any plans for him to drop the title and put over someone like Roman Reigns or Daniel Bryan are scuppered. This would effectively mean that the last 18 months of strong booking for Brock would have been wasted, only for him to drop the belt back to John Cena at the Royal Rumble (assuming that Cena is still the number 1 contender and, as speculated, this is when Lesnar is scheduled to next defend his title).

A part of me would like to see Brock back in the UFC. Another theory that’s knocking around is that he might be working for both companies at the same time, but I can’t see that happening. Both Vince McMahon and Dana white have massive egos. They wouldn’t want to share their prized commodity.

The main reason I don’t see that happening is the potential of having a legitimate fighter losing in the UFC but beating everyone in WWE would make WWE look like a far weaker product. Everyone knows that pro wrestling, sorry, Sports Entertainment, is a work, but from the outside how would it look if on one channel, Brock is getting battered by Cain Valesquez and on another channel he is chucking John Cena around like a ragdoll. Vince wouldn’t let that happen.

Not only does Brock Lesnar guarantee high viewing numbers, he adds an air of authenticity and has an aura that is extremely tough to duplicate. His ‘big fight’ style matches with John Cena, Triple H, The Undertaker and CM Punk have been some of the most intense and entertaining bouts in recent years and it would be a huge loss not only to the WWE Universe, but the company as a whole if he were to leave.

 

WWE Network: Monday Night War

We all know the story of the WWF Vs WCW war and we’ve been entertained by numerous documentaries, blogs and even books on the subject, but the new WWE Network series Monday Night War aims to provide more insight and archival footage to present the most complete coverage yet of pro wrestling’s most exciting period.

The episode starts off by detailing how both WWE and WCW (then, Jim Crockett Promotions) became the biggest wrestling companies in the 1980s – and how a decision by TV station TNT to stop airing WWF shows due to them also broadcasting on the USA Network created tension between the two promotions. The relationship between Ted Turner and Vince McMahon soured from that point, which was the genesis of the Monday Night Wars.

The majority of this show details the origins of Monday Night Raw and how the WWF needed to move away from the established stars of the 1980s and rely more on younger talents such as Bret Hart, Razor Ramon, and Shawn Michaels. During this time, WCW hired Eric Bischoff as their executive producer, which is when things start to simmer.

Bischoff moved WCW from dimly lit arenas to the MGM studios in Orlando and added established WWF talents such as Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage, ‘Mean’ Gene Okerlund, and Bobby Heenan in order to compete with their rivals. More WWF stars jumped ship, but despite this, WCW were still very much playing second fiddle to McMahon’s wrestling juggernaut. This all changed when Ted Turner granted Eric Bischoff’s wish to give WCW prime time television – and Monday Nitro was born.

This episode has a ton of great archival footage and talking heads from the likes of Vince McMahon, Ted Turner, Hulk Hogan, Diamond Dallas Page, Bret Hart, Eric Bischoff, Lex Luger, and many others who were involved. They all provide differing perspectives and are knowledgeable and insightful.

The episode covers the infamous moment when Medusa drops the women’s title in the bin, Lex Luger’s defection, Eric Bischoff giving away the results of Raw and the dreadful ‘Billionaire Ted’ skits. At the end of the episode we get a tease of things to come – the Austin 3:16 promo, the new breed of superstars and, of course, the nWo.

This show doesn’t really tell us anything we didn’t already know, but the archival footage, storytelling and narration (from Darth Vader himself, James Earl Jones) makes ‘Monday Night War’ a compelling watch. Roll on Episode Two.

WWE Network Pick: Legends of Wrestling – Heat Seekers

Every week we pick out a classic from the WWE Network.

The Legends of Wrestling roundtable discussions, for me, are some of the best inclusions on the WWE Network. This episode is hosted by Jim Ross and the panel consists of Mick Foley, Jerry Lawler, Eric Bischoff and Michael PS Hayes. It focuses on people who were notoriously difficult to work with behind the scenes.

The panelists start off with a story about how Jerry Lawler burned Michael Hayes’ hair and the former Freebird’s subsequent temper tantrum. Lex Luger then gets a real bashing from the panel for thinking he was better than the rest of the boys, as does Paul Heyman for having the audacity to say that he didn’t want to take a bump off a scaffold. Which seems a little harsh. Jerry Lawler tells that particular story, so I now consider him to be on my heat list.

Other names to get the treatment are Goldberg, Scott Hall, Buff Bagwell and Vince Russo, who have all displayed various degrees of bellend-esque behaviour. The scummiest thing to be discussed is the Ed Ferrera ‘Oaklahoma’ impression of Jim Ross, which you can see still really bothers JR to this day. It honestly is one of the lowest points of the Monday Night Wars and makes for some very uncomfortable viewing.

The biggest downside to these discussions Michael PS Hayes. When he’s talking he can be really interesting and insightful, but he constantly interrupts everyone else and keeps making snide little comments towards Bischoff, which is very grating.

Despite Michael Hayes’ interrupting, these roundtable discussions are always very entertaining and the Jive Soul Bros cannot recommend them enough.

OMG Vol. 2: The Top 50 Incidents In WCW History Review

With magazines dying out and online journalism becoming a vast compendium of lists on a Lovecraftian scale, it only makes sense that WWE follow suit and release a TOP 50 in DVD/BluRay form. And you know what? It’s superb.

Growing up in the 1980s/90s meant picking a side between various teams; Nintendo or Sega, Art Attack or SMart and indeed WCW or the WWF. Like Nintendo before them, the WWF would eventually absorb their competition, which was fine by me as I was on their team ever since I first saw The Mountie spend a night in prison in 1991. I was never a fan of Dubya-See-Dubya and a lot of its history was lost on me.

That’s why I enjoyed THE TOP 50 INCIDENTS IN WCW HISTORY so much, it’s a thoroughly enjoyable romp through the annals of the company via fifty cracking little vignettes. Being a WWE production, it does tip the balance of views and selections to make it seem like their only real competitor was a ruddy shambles all along, but even the most ardent WCW fan will tell you that they managed that pretty well themselves. At points the countdown does feel like the official Wrestlecrap DVD and the production certainly owes that particular website a coffee or two. With inductions such as The Return of Robocop, Vince Russo and David Arquette’s world title wins and of course The Shockmaster (“He fell on his ass!”) this is WWE’s funniest release I can remember. It’s not just the footage but the insight from the contributors who served their time in the belly of the beast that makes for such enjoyable viewing. There are surprising (and presumably archive?) interviews with Russo, Eric Bischoff, Hulk Hogan, Dusty Rhodes and Tony Schiavone to name a few (I thought Sting would be a shoe-in but apparently not). Cody Rhodes gives a refreshing take on it all, being the only talking head who grew up a fan of both companies and whose brother and father were both major stars. Best of all though is Good Ol’ JR. Hearing Jim Ross discuss how he had to announce The Return of Robocop and The Halloween Chamber of Horrors match with stoicism, wit and disgust is simply brilliant.

The special features consist of full versions of matches and segments from the countdown. These include the Booker T vs Jeff Jarrett Four Boxes on a Pole Match, Buff Bagwell’s Mum on a Forklift Match, Vampiro Murders Sting with Fire Match and many more. Why you would want to watch these big bowls of bum in their entirety I don’t know, but if you do, there are two massive bonus discs stuffed full of them.

It’s a terrific watch but there should be the option to buy a one disc version with the documentary and no special features, as the countdown itself tells you that they’re pretty much unwatchable. That aside, for a WCW sceptic such as myself to enjoy it this much, is quite the achievement.

WWE Network Pick: Saturday Night’s Main Event – May 2, 1987

 

Every week we pick out a classic from the WWE Network.

The first edition of Saturday Night’s Main Event after WrestleMania III is a mixed bag. It opens up with a short bout between Jake ‘The Snake’ Roberts and Kamala, who is joined by Mr Fuji and Kimchee. Unfortunately for Roberts, Kimchee reveals himself to be none other than the Honky Tonk Man and attacks ‘The Snake’, thus continuing their feud. Kamala picks up the win in this solid, if unspectacular curtain jerker.

Next up is ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage Vs George ‘The Animal’ Steele in a lumberjack match. The majority of it is a mess, as lumberjack matches tend to be, and ends when Danny Davis clocks Steele with the ring bell and Savage hits the elbow for the win. A mass brawl ensues and Jake Roberts comes down for the save.

The next segment is an interview with Andre the Giant and Bobby Heenan, hosted by ‘Mean’ Gene Overland. Heenan and Andre claim that referee Joey Marella is corrupt and that Andre is the rightful world champion after (allegedly) pinning the Hulkster for three at ‘Mania.

Following this we have The British Bulldogs Vs The Hart Foundation in a two out of three falls match – now we’re cooking with gas! The Hart Foundation have Jimmy Hart and Danny Davis in their corner and the Bulldogs have got Tito (or ‘Chico’ if you’re Jesse Ventura) Santana to keep an eye out for potential shenanigans. The Bulldogs take the first fall when the Harts get disqualified due to interference from Danny Davis. They dominate most of the second part of the match, but the Bulldogs win after Davey Boy press slams Dynamite kid onto Jim Neidhart. So The Bulldogs win the match, but not the titles due to the DQ in the first round, much to the delight of Jesse Ventura. Vince is devastated.

Then we have Hulk Hogan being interviewed about his match with Andre at WrestleMania III. He responds to Heenan and Andre’s claims by saying that he’ll have a rematch with Andre if he wants is.

The penultimate match is Ricky ‘The Dragon’ Steamboat defending his newly won Intercontinental Championship against Hercules, with Randy Savage watching in the back (which is massively entertaining). Christ, Steamboat was good. Macho runs down to save Steamboat from the deadly full nelson as Macho wants ‘The Dragon’ for himself. Hercules gets himself disqualified by needlessly attacking Steamboat with his chain. Macho watches with glee before getting into the ring and nailing him with the elbow drop and celebrating to some great heat.

‘Hacksaw’ Jim Duggan, who is sitting in the front row cuts a patriotic/xenophobic promo about Nikolai Volkoff and warns him not to sing the Russian national anthem. I bet he doesn’t get involved in this match.

The main event is the Can-Am Connection, Rick Martel and Tom Zenk (who?) Vs Nikolai Volkoff and the Iron Sheik, with Jive Soul Bro No. 1 Slick. Hacksaw is enraged by the Russian national anthem and goes to attack Volkoff with his 2×4. The match hasn’t even started and he’s already getting stuck in. Rick Martel rolls up Sheikey Baby for the win. The evil foreigners beat up Duggan but the Can-Am connection make the save. “Duggan’s hunting for a Commie!” says Vince.

Overall I’d say that this is a good watch. The quality of the matches isn’t brilliant, but the continuation of the storylines and the nostalgia factor make this edition of Saturday Night’s Main Event very entertaining.

Life After Wrestling: A Guide To Post-WWE Careers

Every wrestler has a finite amount of time in the ring. And just in case WWE’s current stars are wondering what to do with their lives once they lace up those boots for the last time, the Jive Soul Bros are here to guide them towards a successful career post-wrestling.

(Please note that this list is ranked from the most successful/popular at the top, to the most downright deplorable at the bottom.)

ACTING

Not every wrestler has what it takes to become Hollywood’s favourite leading man like the Rock has, but some do manage to eke out a living from the odd movie role. Steve Austin, for example, appeared in The Expendables, Adam Sandler’s The Longest Yard, and the low-budget action-thriller The Condemned. While these films are unlikely to get any recognition from the Academy (snobs), you can enjoy them for the mindless guff that they are. Honourable mentions also go to Kevin Nash in Monster Brawl, Jesse Ventura in The Running Man and Predator, and Vladimir Kozlov’s short cameo in Season Two of The Wire.

PODCASTING

These days, everyone has an opinion on everything and everyone wants a platform to share it. Jim Ross was at home one day, banging on to his wife about how there are no time limit draws anymore for the fifth time that morning, when the charming people over at Podcast One called him and put his wife out of her misery. No, they didn’t kill Mrs JR ­‑ they gave her husband his weekly Ross Report podcast. “Finally,” Jim thought, “I’ve got my opportunity to spout my opinions in a public setting and get paid for it.” Many ex-pros are using the medium of podcasting to share old road stories and ‘ribs’ while often joined by former colleagues. For the most part it’s very entertaining stuff. Acting’s Steve Austin and Music’s Chris Jericho also host Podcast One shows, as do ‘Rowdy’ Roddy Piper and Bill Goldberg. All we need is for Podcast One to put the feelers out to Paul Heyman. We can all dream right?

PUBLIC SPEAKING/ONE-MAN SHOW

The first one-man show that the Jive Soul Bros were aware of was Mick Foley’s. He would go on the road and tell stories from his 20 year-plus career in a charming and personable manner, which left the crowd wanting more. Following his success, Mrs Foley’s Baby Boy has now branched out into stand-up comedy and performers regularly across the US, and every now and then ventures as far as the UK or even Canada. Danger man! Promoters have leeched on to this format and other wrestlers have been paid to stand on a stage and repeat the same stories with alarming regularity. The list of legends includes Bret Hart (he never hurt a fellow professional), Jim Cornette (I really hate Vince Russo) and Shawn Michael (I really like God).

YOGA/FITNESS

Diamond Dallas Page has revolutionised yoga by mixing in basic calisthenics to a standard yoga routine and got a load of ringing endorsements from his wrestling buddies as a result. Chris Jericho, Zach Ryder and Goldust are amongst the pro wrestlers who are on the main WWE roster that swear by DDP Yoga and that’s nothing compared to how he’s saved the lives of Jake Roberts and Scott Hall. John Morrison (remember him?) is rumoured to be working towards releasing a workout DVD in the future, as are Triple H and Stephanie McMahon, which is a little weird. The other ex-pro wrestler to release a yoga DVD is Trish Stratus. Though I haven’t seen it, I know that it’s the best one.

INSURANCE

Have you had a car accident that wasn’t your fault? Was the fall that stopped you from working the result of a negligent employer? Have you been stuffed into a casket, wheeled up an entrance ramp and set on fire by your long lost brother who you may or may not have killed years before? If you answered “yes” to any of the above then contact the Jacobs Agency, your community insurance provider. We will insure that your house, vehicles, electronics and pets are covered against the most evil of demons. We even have additional premiums to cover against fire because….well, you never know.

PORNO

Ok, it might not be the most glamorous industry in the world, but if you’ve spent the majority of your adult life parading around partially naked in front of thousands of people anyway, you may as well get the rest of your kit off and continue to make money. The most famous ex-pro wrestler to do porn is Chyna, who entered, ahem, the adult industry after a home movie of her banging the 1-2-3 Kid leaked online. There were a few years between the aforementioned ‘release’ and her next film ‘Back Door To Chyna’ before hitting the big time and landing a role as the She-Hulk in Avengers XXX: A Porn Parody and the subsequent spin off She-Hulk XXX. Chyna isn’t the only ex-member of the WWE Universe to get down and dirty though; Gangrel jumped behind the camera (though not in front of, mercifully) and Buff Bagwell has just signed a deal with Vivid pictures to act as an on-screen performer. At least he can keep working stiff. And stretch someone’s ass in the ring. And… well, you get the idea.

BECOME AN ALCOHOLIC

Come on, we all know that wrestlers know how to party. Why not keep the party going? Has anyone seen that video of Jake Roberts stumbling to the ring at an independent show? How about the Sandman desperately stumbling through a promo for NoDQ.com? You could be in the same league as those winners with just a few beers and some ill-advised public appearances. One of the most notorious incidents was at the pre-SummerSlam press conference for WWE2K14, where the Nature Boy turned up absolutely battered and made several no-nos, including constantly mentioning TNA, hogging the microphone and slagging off WWE for not booking him against Hulk Hogan at WrestleMania 8. All this bad behaviour ended up getting Jim Ross fired, which isn’t really fair. Maybe you should consider the last remaining option.

Well, here you are. You can’t act, no one listens to your awful podcast, you’re boring when speaking in public, you have no flexibility, admin’s not your thing, no one wants to see you making sweet tender love and you don’t like the taste of alcohol. You are literally the lowest of the low. You succeed at nothing. There’s only one option left…

JOIN TNA

You make me sick.

 

All Right, So Two Belts Don’t Become One

So, after what I wrote last week about WWE potentially retiring the World Heavyweight Championship belt, it looks like it hasn’t after all. Which means three things:

1. John Cena giving the belt to Ric Flair on Raw two weeks ago was completely pointless and nonsensical.

2. Cena will continue to wear both belts like a scarf and look a right tit.

3. You can forget everything I said about WWE making the right decision. They’re idiots.

Re-Re-Ranking WWE’s Greatest Tag Teams – #4 High Energy

Last week WWE “re-ranked” its greatest ever tag teams. We countdown some classics who were criminally missed off the list…

The Team: Owen Hart and Koko B. Ware joined forces in 1992 to create simultaneously one of the most garishly dressed and short-lived tag teams ever. A haze of brightly coloured pantaloons and chequered headbands, this beautiful pair’s look was completed by the most arbitrary gimmick ever. The Undertaker had an urn; right, because he’s synonymous with death. Nailz, the ex-convict, wore an orange prison jump suit; that almost makes sense… Koko B. Ware flapped his arms like a bird and had a blue and yellow macaw perched on his shoulder; stares blankly and scratches head.

Disclaimer: Jive Soul Bros may not be held accountable for any eye conditions or temporary blindness you may suffer as a result of looking at the image above.

Memorable Feuds: Having quietly faded away in 1993, after Owen Hart suffered a knee injury, High Energy didn’t really have much by way of feuds, let alone memorable ones. However, they did have minor clashes with Money Inc, The Headshrinkers and The Nasty Boys, which they inevitably lost. Arguably their greatest feud came when they fought each other. This presumably came about when one claimed to have baggier pants than the other.

Greatest Match: Their one shining moment came in the form of their one and only PPV appearance at the 1992 Survivor Series, which they lost to The Headshrinkers. Still, sometimes it’s not the winning that counts, but how utterly ridiculous you can look while losing. 

Check out our other re-re-ranked teams here.

Re-Re-Ranking WWE’s Greatest Tag Teams – #3 Well Dunn

 

Last week WWE “re-ranked” its greatest ever tag teams. We countdown some classics who were criminally missed off the list…

The Team: Timothy Well and Steven Dunn were one of the most underused tag teams in mid-1990s WWF. Imagine a camper version of the Rockers, add bow-ties, ill-fitting wrestling singlets with a thong over the top for good measure, and you start to realise why they never made it to the top. In their 1993 WWF debut they teamed with Jive Soul Bros fave Blake Beverley to face Tatanka and the Steiner Brothers in a six-man tag match, which our boys promptly lost. It’s no surprise that their careers didn’t get much better.

Memorable Feuds: Well Dunn didn’t really have a memorable feud per say, but they did have an awful lot of awful matches against the Bushwhackers (much like the Beverley Brothers, who are also on this list – coincidence?). Well Dunn also had a hand in turning Adam Bomb face in a feud featuring their mutual manager, Harvey Wippleman. Adam Bomb’s face turn all came to a head when Well Dunn teamed with Kwang, facing against Bomb and the Smoking Gunns. Well Dunn and Kwang lost that match. Perhaps they should have learned that six man tags weren’t their forte. Idiots.

Greatest Match: Unsurprisingly, Well Dunn never had a “classic” match. Their opponents mainly compromised of the Bushwhackers, the Smoking Gunns, Men On A Mission, the Headshrinkers and the Heavenly Bodies. Hardly the Rock and Roll Express or Road Warriors level of tag team excellence, is it? However, Well Dunn were lumberjacks in a 1994 Bret Hart Vs Owen Hart match. I would imagine that was the best match they were ever involved in.

Check out our other re-re-ranked teams here.